“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good
to accomplish what is now being done,
the saving of many lives.”
Genesis 50:20 NIV

My anger came spilling out this week. I was reminded of some memories of my past. Memories of what was done to me. They made me feel like I was nothing, I was not worthy of your love. I blamed you and asked you “Why?” After the flood you asked me to pray for my enemies and I told you I couldn’t.

This anger has been stuffed so deep within for so long and now you want me to get rid of it. You also revealed to me that I isolate myself because I don’t want people to see how broken I am. Many people have said that I have it all together. What they don’t know is I am being held together by duct tape that must be replaced every morning.

You want to use my brokenness to comfort many others that come behind me. To do that I must show people how broken I am and I find my hope in you.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our troubles,
so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV

You allow your chosen ones to be persecuted by satan so we can experience the full measure of your love. It was never because you hated me. You chose me before I was born. You knew I would be weak so your strength can be greater. The purpose of my pain is so that I would surrender to you to help others for advancing your kingdom.

“In him we were also chosen,
having been predestined according to the plan of him
who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will,”
Ephesians 1:11 NIV

Trouble existed since the fall of man. The fall in the Garden of Eden was the perfect plan to teach mankind how to love. You created emotions and free will to create a conflict between flesh and spirit. If this conflict didn’t exist we would be robots. You give us a choice between our flesh and the Holy Spirit. You allow us to feel grief to know your comfort. You allow pain so we can realize our denials and admit we need to change. The conflict creates a conduit to appreciate your love, peace, and joy. How can one know what these feel like if we don’t know what pain and suffering feel like? We must have something to compare it to. We fall like Adam and Eve did so that we can know what love feels like. We experience that love when we repent, turn from our sin, turn to Jesus, and receive the holy one’s spirit in our heart.

I count everything I lost as a blessing. And what I gain is compassion for others, the desire to be close to the broken hearted, a drive to show others Jesus’ love and light to promote change to those who come behind me. You wanted me to know Jesus’ suffering so I can be like him.

“I want to know Christ—yes,
to know the power of his resurrection
and participation in his sufferings,
becoming like him in his death,”
Philippians 3:10 NIV

You put before me the verse “Be angry but do not sin” many times in the last week and now I know why. You revealed that I was angry and you want me to control it. Be angry at the sin and grieve the one who sinned. Instead of stuffing the emotions within me, I will place them at the foot of the cross.

I know that the pain I felt from what was done to me will not be wasted. Every tear I shed you collected in a bottle. You felt my pain too. You are pealing my onion and placing me in the valley where there is food and water to nurture me for my growth spurt. I praise you for this trial.

I knew all this but in the moment of my raging emotions it was forgotten. Since the day of my temper tantrum you flooded me with scripture, spoke to me through friends, through my devotionals and bible study to tell me why. You are an awesome God. Thanks for reminding me who you are and refocusing me to what really matters. This is going to be an amazing journey. I am in awe that you chose me to be a part of your kingdom. I am in awe as to how great your love is for me and that I am worth that much to you. I believe every tear you collected will be gifted back to me, not as tears of sorrow, but as tears of joy.

“I consider that our present sufferings
are not worth comparing with the glory
that will be revealed in us.”
Romans 8:18 NIV

You asked me to pray for my enemies. I am making a commitment to you to do that. It is going to be hard but I will do it.

All for your glory and not my own.

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