I Stand with You

The enemies taunts gets stronger
I make them bigger than You Jesus.

I feel so far away, the barrier is thick
Then I realize I let go of You.

I know You are near in the middle of my storm,
Only I cannot see
I made it bigger than You.

I hide in the darkness and fight my way back to You
Relying on my own strength.

Confused and lost I don’t know what to do.
Temptations arise, is that my relief?
NO! I remember another way.

A way that is light.
A way that is peace.
A way that is hope.
A way that is love.
A way that is safe.

I grab ahold of You
You pulled me free.
You surround the darkness with a bubble
Outside of it we stand.
It cannot get to me and I cannot go back in.

I stand with You in light.
I stand with You in peace.
I stand with You in hope.
I stand with You in love
I stand safe with You.

I no longer awake to the enemies taunts,
As morning comes I awake to Your songs.

Remembering: When Abba called me “My Daughter”

Written 1/1/7
“I will be found by you declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes….”

Jeremiah 29:14

Daddy,

I found you. I cried out to you asking why was I so quiet, why couldn’t I defend myself, why are my kids gone, why am I alone, why have you not restored my fortunes? You said “My daughter…” my breathe caught in my throat at that moment. You continued “I want you all to myself.” I never identified with the title daughter. My earthy father was never there, but you claimed me as your daughter. I grieve the father I never had while rejoicing the daddy I gained. You are restoring my fortunes. You are restoring everything in your order. When You found me I became this little baby. In the past few months you taught me how to crawl, you taught me how to walk, you gave me a voice , you are teaching me the art of writing, you are flooding me with images of Jesus, and you are teaching me how to Love. I am honored to have the title daughter. It is the most profound moment in my entire life; even above the moment when you first filled me with the spirit and told me you forgave me. Daddy, you cheer me on, you comfort me when I am sick, you mend my broken heart, and you discipline me when I walk the wrong way. You pull me in my wagon, you let me dance on your feet, you carry me on your shoulders, you forgive me of my sins even though I don’t deserve it.

Love

Your daughter

Confession

I have been in recovery for 2 years now. I grew up with parents who were emotionally absent, and I married an abusive man. My addictive behaviors were a result of feeling rejected. Early in my recovery Jesus rescued me. I gave my testimony recently and the word I identified myself with was insignificant. I wasn’t nervous about giving my testimony and I felt joy immediately after. Joy about what Jesus has done for me and is doing through me. To my surprise, the next day I felt like I was reliving the events of my past all over again, feeling insignificant. When I was experiencing the abuse, I suppressed my feelings. I thought I dealt with those feeling through recovery over the last 2 years, but I realized I still suppressed and I have more work to do. I gave my testimony 3 times in 2 weeks and each time my emotions became more chaotic. I isolated myself from those who supported me because I felt like I should be stronger than this. I didn’t want people to think I was weak. Reliving this again caused me to be reactive to what people say or don’t say, what people do or don’t do, fueling my feelings of insignificance. So here is my confession:

Denial keeps the sting in my body,
Depraving me of peace.

Denial keeps me in darkness,
Fearing the sudden bright light.

Denial keeps me cold and stoic,
Separating me from my creator.

I have a list this troubled world created about me.
It’s like cutting my flesh with shards of glass,
Filling my wounds of guilt, shame, anxiety, anger
Fresh and seeping with tainted blood
Leaving no room for the pure blood from Jesus
To create beautiful scars.

My body is Jesus’ temple
This behavior is squashing His voice.
Oh, how uncomfortable He must feel.
The memories repeating in my mind
As if it were happening again
Denying the reality that Jesus took it away
Denying that I am safe with Him.

In identifying my myself to the enemies lies I am identifying Jesus to those names, as I have Jesus in me. 
I am defiling Jesus.
I am denying what Jesus did for me,
I am torturing Jesus again,
I am whipping Him again,
I am putting the nails in Him again,
I am killing Him again.

I put myself back in prison, but the door is unlocked,
Jesus does not lock the door,
And He will never lock the door
Or let anyone else, including me, lock the door.
Then I remember…

I have an awesome Father,
I have a protector,
I have a comforter,
I have a teacher,

The way He speaks to me,
And what He thinks of me.

Abba, please forgive me!
I have Hope in Jesus
I only had to remember…

Stay tuned on a series of remembering…

20 October 2018

Safe in My Shadow

Written 8/13/18

“But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.”
Psalm 73:2

Over the weekend I had asked my daughter if she wanted to spend time with me while I was in town. She made excuses as to why she couldn’t see me. Our relationship is strained because of the hurts from a divided family. My recent acts of affection for her fell to deaf ears and when she denied the time with me I felt insignificant, rejected. Yes, she is an adult and has her own life but that didn’t stop how I felt. I was tempted to drink again. I am 2 months from being 2 years sober. satan likes to attack when there are milestones or turning from him and towards Jesus. satan was filling my head with low self talk lies. I fought back and didn’t drink. I also wrote this poem declaring truth.

Safe in My Shadow

Where you are trouble you will see
But stay in My shadow, you will be safe with Me.

In your weakness the evil one will act
But stay safe in My shadow
My strength will keep our relationship in tact.

The evil one surrounds you day and night, do you hear?
You will be safe in My shadow
he cannot come near.

Wear My armor and hold Me tight
Stay in My shadow and watch his flight.

Insignificant, reject, lonely, dirty he will say
Stay safe in My shadow and keep him at bay.

A prisoner you are not
Stay safe in My shadow
he has no shot.

Out of the darkness, you I have led
Into the fire he goes with a crushed head.

Safe in My shadow, eyes on Me
Your spirit don’t let him scar.
Loved, worthy, my daughter, forgiven, righteous I say you are.

~

“Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.”
Psalm 57:1

~

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
Will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”
Psalm 91:1

I realized I had to go through this so Jesus can show me how much I rely on His strength instead of the old me. Relying on my own strength always got me in trouble. Looking back to the last time I let my relationship with my daughter bother me I fell. I see how far I have come. It is no surprise I am feeling this way coming up on my anniversary. My despair over her is what caused me to stumble. But that stumble was a blessing because Jesus rescued me and made me apart of His kingdom. His strength is what kept me from falling this time. I couldn’t have done it without Him. He also promised me twice that the relationship will one day be restored. All things work for good for those who are in Christ Jesus.

A Victim No More

Abba,
You pulled me from the pit of my despair, and placed me on solid ground. 
You declared me righteous and clothed me in dignity.
A victim no more. I am free.

You wept over me and washed me clean,
You took my pain and shame to the grave to never be felt again.
A victim no more. I am free.

You adopted me and we cannot be separated,
You called me daughter when I didn’t feel like one.
A victim no more. I am free.

You paid the price in my stead,
You engraved me on the palms of your hands. 
Why? Because of your reckless, unconditional love for me.
A victim no more. I am free.

You call me chosen, beautiful, loved,
treasured, wanted.
You are the God who sees me. 
Safe I am.
Significant I am.
A victim… no more. I am free.

26 September 2018

Soul Hug

 

Written 9 July 2018

I was your enemy where darkness lies
Conforming to this world
Letting your blessings pass me by.
Searching for something to satisfy.
I hold on, creating idols,
It does not relieve my pain,
Then I grab onto something else,
Bringing me no gain.
I repeat the pattern Spiraling down a pit
In a puddle of sin and sorrow,
There I sit.

I am at the end of me.
No sign of help do I see.
No one knows I am here.
Does anyone care?
My life I surrender, the one I cannot bear.

A presence is near.
Coming closer, yet ever so close to my soul.
But I have no fear.
Through the darkness it tears,
My iniquities it shears.
I cannot see its presence,
It gives me sustenance.
I trust what I cannot see
The higher it lifts me.
Although I am weak
For the very first time
I am able to climb.
As I leave the pit my life had dug
I am met with a soul hug.
The darkness fled
I am no longer asleep
My iniquities I shed.
To an unknown height I have been lifted
A new breath of life I have been gifted.

 

6 September 2018