I have been in recovery for 2 years now. I grew up with parents who were emotionally absent, and I married an abusive man. My addictive behaviors were a result of feeling rejected. Early in my recovery Jesus rescued me. I gave my testimony recently and the word I identified myself with was insignificant. I wasn’t nervous about giving my testimony and I felt joy immediately after. Joy about what Jesus has done for me and is doing through me. To my surprise, the next day I felt like I was reliving the events of my past all over again, feeling insignificant. When I was experiencing the abuse, I suppressed my feelings. I thought I dealt with those feeling through recovery over the last 2 years, but I realized I still suppressed and I have more work to do. I gave my testimony 3 times in 2 weeks and each time my emotions became more chaotic. I isolated myself from those who supported me because I felt like I should be stronger than this. I didn’t want people to think I was weak. Reliving this again caused me to be reactive to what people say or don’t say, what people do or don’t do, fueling my feelings of insignificance. So here is my confession:
Denial keeps the sting in my body,
Depraving me of peace.
Denial keeps me in darkness,
Fearing the sudden bright light.
Denial keeps me cold and stoic,
Separating me from my creator.
I have a list this troubled world created about me.
It’s like cutting my flesh with shards of glass,
Filling my wounds of guilt, shame, anxiety, anger
Fresh and seeping with tainted blood
Leaving no room for the pure blood from Jesus
To create beautiful scars.
My body is Jesus’ temple
This behavior is squashing His voice.
Oh, how uncomfortable He must feel.
The memories repeating in my mind
As if it were happening again
Denying the reality that Jesus took it away
Denying that I am safe with Him.
In identifying my myself to the enemies lies I am identifying Jesus to those names, as I have Jesus in me.
I am defiling Jesus.
I am denying what Jesus did for me,
I am torturing Jesus again,
I am whipping Him again,
I am putting the nails in Him again,
I am killing Him again.
I put myself back in prison, but the door is unlocked,
Jesus does not lock the door,
And He will never lock the door
Or let anyone else, including me, lock the door.
Then I remember…
I have an awesome Father,
I have a protector,
I have a comforter,
I have a teacher,
The way He speaks to me,
And what He thinks of me.
Abba, please forgive me!
I have Hope in Jesus
I only had to remember…
Stay tuned on a series of remembering…
20 October 2018