I have been in recovery for 2 years now. I grew up with parents who were emotionally absent, and I married an abusive man. My addictive behaviors were a result of feeling rejected. Early in my recovery Jesus rescued me. I gave my testimony recently and the word I identified myself with was insignificant. I wasn’t nervous about giving my testimony and I felt joy immediately after. Joy about what Jesus has done for me and is doing through me. To my surprise, the next day I felt like I was reliving the events of my past all over again, feeling insignificant. When I was experiencing the abuse, I suppressed my feelings. I thought I dealt with those feeling through recovery over the last 2 years, but I realized I still suppressed and I have more work to do. I gave my testimony 3 times in 2 weeks and each time my emotions became more chaotic. I isolated myself from those who supported me because I felt like I should be stronger than this. I didn’t want people to think I was weak. Reliving this again caused me to be reactive to what people say or don’t say, what people do or don’t do, fueling my feelings of insignificance. So here is my confession:

Denial keeps the sting in my body,
Depraving me of peace.

Denial keeps me in darkness,
Fearing the sudden bright light.

Denial keeps me cold and stoic,
Separating me from my creator.

I have a list this troubled world created about me.
It’s like cutting my flesh with shards of glass,
Filling my wounds of guilt, shame, anxiety, anger
Fresh and seeping with tainted blood
Leaving no room for the pure blood from Jesus
To create beautiful scars.

My body is Jesus’ temple
This behavior is squashing His voice.
Oh, how uncomfortable He must feel.
The memories repeating in my mind
As if it were happening again
Denying the reality that Jesus took it away
Denying that I am safe with Him.

In identifying my myself to the enemies lies I am identifying Jesus to those names, as I have Jesus in me. 
I am defiling Jesus.
I am denying what Jesus did for me,
I am torturing Jesus again,
I am whipping Him again,
I am putting the nails in Him again,
I am killing Him again.

I put myself back in prison, but the door is unlocked,
Jesus does not lock the door,
And He will never lock the door
Or let anyone else, including me, lock the door.
Then I remember…

I have an awesome Father,
I have a protector,
I have a comforter,
I have a teacher,

The way He speaks to me,
And what He thinks of me.

Abba, please forgive me!
I have Hope in Jesus
I only had to remember…

Stay tuned on a series of remembering…

20 October 2018

Safe in My Shadow

Written 8/13/18

“But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.”
Psalm 73:2

Over the weekend I had asked my daughter if she wanted to spend time with me while I was in town. She made excuses as to why she couldn’t see me. Our relationship is strained because of the hurts from a divided family. My recent acts of affection for her fell to deaf ears and when she denied the time with me I felt insignificant, rejected. Yes, she is an adult and has her own life but that didn’t stop how I felt. I was tempted to drink again. I am 2 months from being 2 years sober. satan likes to attack when there are milestones or turning from him and towards Jesus. satan was filling my head with low self talk lies. I fought back and didn’t drink. I also wrote this poem declaring truth.

Safe in My Shadow

Where you are trouble you will see
But stay in My shadow, you will be safe with Me.

In your weakness the evil one will act
But stay safe in My shadow
My strength will keep our relationship in tact.

The evil one surrounds you day and night, do you hear?
You will be safe in My shadow
he cannot come near.

Wear My armor and hold Me tight
Stay in My shadow and watch his flight.

Insignificant, reject, lonely, dirty he will say
Stay safe in My shadow and keep him at bay.

A prisoner you are not
Stay safe in My shadow
he has no shot.

Out of the darkness, you I have led
Into the fire he goes with a crushed head.

Safe in My shadow, eyes on Me
Your spirit don’t let him scar.
Loved, worthy, my daughter, forgiven, righteous I say you are.


“Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.”
Psalm 57:1


“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
Will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”
Psalm 91:1

I realized I had to go through this so Jesus can show me how much I rely on His strength instead of the old me. Relying on my own strength always got me in trouble. Looking back to the last time I let my relationship with my daughter bother me I fell. I see how far I have come. It is no surprise I am feeling this way coming up on my anniversary. My despair over her is what caused me to stumble. But that stumble was a blessing because Jesus rescued me and made me apart of His kingdom. His strength is what kept me from falling this time. I couldn’t have done it without Him. He also promised me twice that the relationship will one day be restored. All things work for good for those who are in Christ Jesus.

26 August 2018…I am a grateful believer and follower of Jesus Christ. I welcome you into my journey. Before Christ rescued me, I chose to live a life of chaos. “I am lying in a pit with a pattern in my life that seems to never end. I try to stop, but no matter what constraint I place on the pattern, it continues. I cannot show my face and I have been stripped of my dignity.” I kept trying to do my will and expecting a different result. I lived by my own strength; or at least I thought I was strong, I appeared strong to people but what they didn’t know I was being held together by duct tape that had to be replaced every morning. COURAGE…It took courage to move from living the only way I knew to a life of surrender. Like the Israelite’s, when rescued from Pharaoh, at times I wanted to go back to what I knew. I didn’t like change. I accepted the bad choices and said this is all I ever will be. I would hide from my struggles by using alcohol and isolating myself. But Jesus wanted to show me there was a better way, but I had to choose. Jesus wanted to take me through my struggles, identify my feelings, and give them to Him because there was a blessing on the other side. There was growth to be had and victories to be won. If I would have stayed where I was, in the same old routine, I would have missed out on the treasures Jesus has for me. My savior, Jesus Christ, rescued me on October 12, 2016 and since then my relationship with Him has flourished through journaling. I write in few different forms, mostly letters addressed to Abba and recently, I have been writing poetry (they may not always rhyme, LOL). Most of my life I was very shy, I was fearful of people. I wouldn’t speak. So, the first jewel that Jesus gave me was a voice. Shortly after I was saved I visited my aunt. She told me I spoke more in that moment than I had in my entire life. He has given me a new thing in my writing. This gift was not given to me to hold onto. It was given to me to share with you. As you read my story I will reveal to you more jewels Jesus has given me.

Thanks for joining me!

“It is not the length of life but the depth of life.”   Ralph Waldo Emerson